adrianne lenker – sadness as a gift (official lyric video)

I know this song is probably about an ex partner, but it reminds me of my cousin.

I miss him. It's been years since we've seen each other, but my last memory of his youthful smiling face and scratchy voice, all still remains. It's noticeably more quiet without him and his siblings, all those missed birthdays and holidays, their unreceived presents used to be piled up at my grandma's house. He was my best friend. Recently, I saw a picture of his graduation, and I was heartbroken. Not only because I missed one of the most important moments that we used to talk about experiencing together, but also because I couldn't recognize him at all.

When I looked at the picture, I couldn't find any traces of that boy I loved. I saw a man in his place, someone older and bigger and unfamiliar and different, who I'll never get the chance to meet. I want to get to know the new version of him, but I'm scared. People change all the time, that's nothing new.

And yet, while everyone around me changed and grew up, it's like I didn't. I feel stuck. I feel as though my growth was stunted, and I'll forever be that thirteen year old girl who wonders why her favorite cousin can't talk to her anymore. I think a part of me will always be that girl, waiting and longing, for anything. A letter, a text message, a call. Any sign that I've been on his mind just as much as he has been on mine, and that he hasn't forgotten about me. It doesn't even have to an explanation or an apology, I just want to know if he's okay.

This hits hard especially with going into the military. “You could write me someday and I think, bet, hope you will” Im talking to a boy right now that I really like but our paths are about to go completely different ways and I can’t stop wondering if when I go away to basic if he will stay in contact with me through letters or if he will break things off